Intro, IF i had 500 bucks i could get sex
Narrator: i could have sex if i had 500 bucks
Narrator: but hey this is an iffy story
Narrator: so i do got 500 bucks!
Listener: hey sexy kiss me im horny
Narrator: this is going great
The Story, and the Sorcerer.
Chapter 1, the deer and the message
Narrator: shall we continue our story of the princess and the sorcerer?
Listener: only if it is a good story
Narrator: so our sorcerer was flying through the trees
Listener: ya... continue the story...
Narrator: and he sees this hella hot deer and he pops like 3 boners and then the bucks kick his ass caz their defending thier wemon deer and the sorcerer burns down the forest!
thats so far for the sorcerer
Listener: who is the wemon deer?
Narrator: now the princess you see, wants to be a queen, so she has to marry a prince but she decides she wants to marry a jackass so she can do all the ruling.
Narrator: the wemon deer, Do, a deer, a female deer
Narrator: so she has all the bachlors go to her castle
Narrator: and she inspects them all
Listener: am i the princess?
Narrator: yup.... im the sorcerer!
Narrator: and she comes across this really fat hairy guy who looks like he was hit in the head by a horse many times as a child, and shes like "hey are you prince?"
Narrator: and hes like "where is fence?"
Narrator: shes like " NO, ARE YOU (hits him) A P R I N C E "
Narrator: AND hes like " yas mam". and so she marries him and then he dies of a heart attack and shes the queen of all the kingdom
now back to the sorcerer
Narrator: after eating roasted deer for 2 weeks, he decides he wants a woman, land for himself, and wants to be a king
Narrator: so hes like well first he goes to a toad on the road so hes like hey toad, you suck flies any bachloret monarchs around here?
Narrator: and the toads like
Narrator: hey sorcerer, lick me!
Narrator: so the sorcerer kills the frog
Narrator: now back to the princess
Narrator: shes like this is so cool im the monarch and stuff and then shes like " OH MY GOD MY ASS IS HUGE!"
Narrator: so she summons her messangers to look for a wizard to make her ass small
Narrator: because liposuction wasnt invented back then
Listener: r u sayin i have a big ass
Narrator: uh. No.
Narrator: so the messengers go out and all die from molaria
Narrator: but one manages to talk to the sorcerer before the sorcerer turns him into a midget
Narrator: so hes like
Narrator: a queen... needs her ass fixated
Narrator: i think ill go there!
Narrator: so hes like flying to the castle
Narrator: and hes like hey queen!
back to the princess
Narrator: after shes done flirting with this totally cute buff guard guy
Narrator: shes like, hey is my liposuctionwizard here yet?
Narrator: and this is where the stories merge!
Chapter 2, the story merges into something
Narrator: so like
Narrator: the sorcerer comes in with this huge barrel
Narrator: and shes like, whats that for?
Narrator: and hes like, well i use it to make cheese
Narrator: and shes like Oh, great.....
Narrator: so about my ass...
Narrator: and hes like YES YOUR ASS
WELL FIRST I CAST A SPELL ON MY HANDS AND THEN I MASSAGE YOUR FAT AWAY
Narrator: and the queen is like, with your hands?
Narrator: and hes like
Narrator: YESWITHMYHANDS AND I DO IT VERY GOOD!
Narrator: and shes like, you know thats sexual harassment.
Narrator: an hes likes
Narrator: EXCUSE ME I HAD SOME BAD DEER BEFORE I CAME HERE CAN I USE THE SHITTER?
Narrator: and shes like, we have an outhouse about 3 miles from here..
Narrator: the sorcerer totally cant hold it in and hes like. HOLY SHIT! and he craps all over the medieval draperies and stuff
Narrator: then the queen is like
Narrator: YOU JUST CRAPPED ON MY DRAPES! YOU ASSHOLE!
Narrator: the sorcerer is too busy with wiping his butcrack hes like
Narrator: Yes, death is a quick and easy process with magic and no shaving ur legs does not make you look like a hooker
Narrator: and the queen is like totally steaming from her hair
Narrator: shes so hot her hair is on fire and stuff
Narrator: and shes like
Narrator: LOOK IM A TOTALLY HOT QUEEN WITH AN ASS PROBLEM, YOU FIX MY ASS AND ILL MAKE YOU MY KING
Narrator: NOW STOP USING THE RED CARPET AS TOILET PAPER
Narrator: so he thinks to himself...
Narrator: sweet, im gunna let laid!
Listener: is that all
Narrator: no not yet
Chapter 3, the big marriage with fireworks
Narrator: so the sorcerer makes all these fireworks and the get married
Narrator: he fixes her ass problem very quickly without his hands
Narrator: but like on the honeymoon
Narrator: thier in lousiana
Narrator: and thier like so we gunna have sex?
Narrator: and the sorcerer is like... i've never done it before...
Narrator: and the queen is like... well.. i havent either...
Narrator: ya idk..
Listener: sumwhere else
Narrator: they r in alabama
Listener: thats better
Narrator: and thier like
Narrator: i dont know how to have sex i think it involves mine and yours
Narrator: and shes like WELL WHICH ONE OF MINE?
Narrator: I HAVE A POOP SHOOTER AND A NOTHER ONE
Narrator: and hes like I DONT KNOW IM A MAGIC GUY NOT A MARITIAL ARTS PERSOn
Narrator: so they hella start fighting on what thier going to use to have sex
Narrator: and then he hella burns down all of alabama and the queen and him are flying to the moon and shit
Narrator: and then thier on the moon and shes like
Narrator: well... the earth looks so beautiful and not square like i pictured it
Narrator: and hes like god your so stupid and slaps her
Narrator: then she hella jumps on top of him and hits him in the eye
Narrator: and he goes HEY THAT HURT BUTCHAKNOW WHAT I LIKED IT RUFF
Narrator: and shes like oh my god are we engaging in intercourse?
Narrator: and then they just look at eachother
Narrator: and the sorcerer is like.....
Narrator: well.... i dont think so, you have like 7 dresses on and shes like OH, fine be an ass
Narrator: and hes like HEY COME ON NOW
Narrator: and shes like I WISH YOU WOULD
Narrator: then they fly back to earth and order a porn video
Narrator: to see how its done
Narrator: and thier even more confused by all the weird positions and things
Narrator: so they just give up
Listener: they had those bak then? lol
Narrator: but then like 2 days later the king is like
Chapter 4, I want to lick your kneecaps & the water-monkies
Narrator: im kind of horny, want to lick your kneecaps
Narrator: and shes like okay
Narrator: so he starts licking her kneecaps and shes like oh my i love it when you do that
Narrator: and then she grabs his head and cracks it open on her knee
Narrator: and then hes like
Narrator: YOU BITCH!
Narrator: and he casts a spell and his head turns back into normal
Narrator: and then he makes her really fat n stuff
Narrator: and looking like a complete .50 cent whore
Listener: that sux
Narrator: ya but im gettting to the good part
Listener: ok ok
Narrator: then he hella flies away with all the money in the castle
Narrator: and shes like im so fat now..
Narrator: then she walks down the stairs and like loses all the weight
Narrator: and shes like what the hell is going on here?
Narrator: then she finds a dead cat on the ground and she studies it over and over again
Narrator: she thinks hmm, this reminds me of the time i tried intercourse with my old king
Narrator: so then she hella throws the cat into the moat
Narrator: (and where its eaten by rabid water monkeys
Listener: rabid water monkeys????
Narrator: and then she starts working on her french homework
Listener: go on...
Narrator: for like 2 minutes
Listener: i want the king to cum bak
Narrator: OH MY
Narrator: okay shes still doing her french homework n shit
Narrator: so shes like halfway done with her french homework n shit
Narrator: then shes like
Narrator: i really miss the king
Narrator: on how he would make rabits out of thin air for me
Narrator: and the way he massaged my feet
Listener: thats so swweeet
Narrator: and how nice he always was, unless he needed to go to the bathroom
Narrator: but those 3 days we spent together was esctasy for me.. a perfect euphio
Listener: euphio??? was that?
Narrator: i think i spelt it wrong
Narrator: but basicly its like
Narrator: your just all happy and you dont care about anything like using the bathroom or eating and stuff
Listener: go on...
Chapter 5, the army and the death
Narrator: so shes like
Narrator: i must send my army after him and bring him back here!
Narrator: i love him so!
Listener: i love him so
Narrator: so she sends her seven thousand armored knights on white horses with long poles charging in every direction trampling everything unless its the king
Listener: and they all kill each other?
Narrator: not yet, so they continue for like 3 days just doing that untill they all fall off cliffs of drown in a lake, river, pond, or ocean
Narrator: but the king was on the moon the whole time looking through the queen's eyes
Narrator: he thought, wow, she really does love me
Narrator: and now i know what she likes!
Listener: her duz love him
Narrator: by golly gee wiz i love her!
Listener: so he goes bak
Narrator: so he makes some ice cream and a cheese sandwich and flies down to the castle
Listener: and licks her knees?
Narrator: but to find out that the queen is not there!
Narrator: the queen took a boat to japan
Narrator: were she can commit SEPUKU
Listener: wth is she thinking
Listener: was that ?
Narrator: its where you take your samurai sword, gut yourself, then have a friend slice your head off
Narrator: its a real honorable way to die back then
Listener: that would be sooooo awesome...
Narrator: so the king is like
Narrator: OH SHIT! I MUST SAVE MY QUEEN
Narrator: SHE CANNOT KILL HERSELF BECAUSE OF ME! I AM BAD MAN!
Narrator: so he gets some levitation and right as he starts to fly out the window
Narrator: he flies behind a bush and drops the biggest crap ever recorded in the history of man
Narrator: then he flies over to japan and sees his queen
Narrator: she has done stage 1 of sepuku, she has gutted herself!
Narrator: the king flies infront of the queen, and the queens handmaiden is behind her totally swings the blade at the queens head..!
Narrator: and then the handmaiden totally hits the king in his throat
Narrator: so the queen is like oh my god he does love me!!!!
Narrator: so she stiches her stomach up and runs to the king
Narrator: ...hes choking on his own blood...blah more blood everywhere!!!
Narrator: so hes like totally screwd caz he cant cast a spell caz he has no voicebox
Narrator: so he looks up at the queen, and smiles.
Narrator: then he goes limp.
Narrator: the queen grabs him and starts yelling NO HE CANT DIE! PLEASE GODS OF THE UNDERWORLD SPARE MY MAN! HE SACRAFICED HIMSELF FOR ME! PLEASE! WE NEVER EVEN HAD SEX!~
Narrator: so like hades the god of the underworld is like
Narrator: So, he died yes?
Narrator: and shes like......
Chapter 6, yes he is dead look at him
Narrator: YES HE IS DEAD LOOK AT HIM
Narrator: his head is totally like 5 feet away from his body
Narrator: and hes like... well was he a man of importance?
Narrator: she says YES HE WAS MY HUSBAND AND I LOVED HIM VERY MUCH!
Narrator: hes like" i dont care, was he rich?"
Narrator: shes like "ya, hes the king and a sorcerer!"
Narrator: so hades is like, cool im gunna make some money, so he puts the kings head on an the king is totally alive
Narrator: so the king gives hades like 50,000,000 dollars
Listener: omg... thats a lot of money!
Narrator: and hades is like, well you cant die now but your wife here can, and everytimebefore you have sex your going to have to take an hour long shit
Narrator: so hes like, oh well, my queen will wait for me! so like hades goes back to hell
Narrator: and the queen is like...you know your shits really do smell....... i dont think i can handle all your crap...
Narrator: and hes like Come on baby, i just died for you, lets shag
Narrator: ...and right before he kisses her hes like!
Narrator: oh boy......
Narrator: oh boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 7, the fifteen thousand pound shit
Narrator: he goes crazy and runs to the ocean where he releases himself, and his fifteen thousand pounds of shit
Narrator: an hour later (Exactly) he comes back and is like
Narrator: lets get it on!
Listener: lets get it on!
Narrator: and love music starts playing
Narrator: "were all sensitive people..da da... and you mean soo much to mee"
Narrator: ya know that song.... anyways he finally realizes what to do with his male reproductive organ
Narrator: and she finds out that the poop shooter can hurt.. so they get it right finally and hes like that was great!
Narrator: and shes like
Narrator: well i've never had any before so i wouldnt know
Narrator: and hes like, yup, this temple kiff is the bomb! and he blows smoke in the shape of a heart..
Narrator: the end!
Chapter 8, the inspiration
I was inspired to write this short story because i was bored and i was talking to this chick in kansas. The end.
Yes this is all mine so dont steal my shit >_<! "Drop the tv LD!"