The First Lunar Terrorist.
Chapter 1: The First Lunar Terrorist, and the Second who became the First.
Narrator: This story begins with our last people. (Not heroes.) Who saved each other in every way possible. Including from death, love, and sex. Well that is what they saved each other from actually.. But anyway! I’ll set up the story for everyone.
The Totally Cool Sorcerer and The Totally Hot Chick are like king and queen and stuff and they had about 28 babies. (Paternity tests not in yet.) So anyway they like totally make a time portal and ... travel into the future. They travel to the year 2022.
2022 Just happens to be the 19th anniversary of 9-11... But they didn’t know that! So they fly to the moon without their children because they don’t like the whining little shits. And they find that it has been colonized!
TcS: What the hell is this shit!
ThC: What is it?
TcS: There are other people here! They must be wizards!
Narrator: Out of nowhere a lunar lander 2.0t totally lands onto the main colony building! BOOM! Fire shoots everywhere! The thing just like totally collapses! Shit from the septic tanks totally hits all over the sorcerer!
TcS: Oh my god.. I’ve been shitted on.
ThC: Being shitted on is nothing compared to the million pounds of shit in our backyard...
TcS: Hey, your the one who said lets have some kids...
ThC: please drop the shit off of you, you don’t look right with it on you, you’re a king for gods’ sake.
TcS: Don’t tell me what to do woman!
ThC: SO NOW IM JUST A WOMAN HUH?
TcS: Umm... no...
ThC: Then what am I to you?
TcS: Um...
ThC: Totally Cool Sorcerer, so help me gods I will kick your ass back to Alabama if you don’t tell me what I am!
TcS: You’re.... My wife!
ThC: Great now lets get this shit off of you.
Narrator: The TcS makes the sound of a wailing monkey and the poop is all gone! Meanwhile, Nrzuk Fearthief is running around the moon shooting lunar golfers with his 1cm caliber pistol. He is the first ...Lunar Terrorist!... (Well... the second, the first was in the lander that landed on the building, but he’s not alive anymore.)
ThC: So, you ever going to ask me what my name is?
TcS: Nope.
ThC: Why not?
TcS: I like calling you: Wife, Bitch, Whore, Chick, Totally Hot Chick, and Chick Who is Hot and my wife who I refer to as Bitch and whore.
ThC: Well its k-
TcS: Oh look! Its a man with... white clothes.. and a gold face, and a weird anal insertion device.
TfT: I are Nrzuk Fearthief, I are going to stel all urr live! Pepare to death!
Chapter 2, What did he just say?
TcS: What did he just say?
ThC: He is going to kill us, honey.
TcS: Right, with his anal insertion device?
TfT: This be a gun I bang you wit!
TcS: Bang us with!?!
TfT: Bang as Shoot ded.
ThC: Give him your money, honey.
TfT: Tell bitch t’ere to shut her trap.
ThC: I resent that you foul mouthed little bitch!
TfT: Uh... gu hur hur funny.
Narrator: So the Totally hot chick kicks him in the genitals and because of low gravity on the moon he flies like 300 feet into a crater.
TcS: So what now?
ThC: lets shag!
TcS: I’d rather not, hey lets go see what they did to this place.
ThC: And kill all that cross our path?
TcS: No.
Chapter 3, The Fifteen Thousand Pound shit, 2.
TcS: So then im like walking into this castle, and im like, Did someone order a liposuction wissard?
Drunken Lunar Tavern Person: my wife had three ears
TcS: and then im like okay and i do some stuff i forgets, and i totally gflyg to the mooone and im like she looves me and then i make a pact with hadees and like im just shitting everwhereys a-
Drunken Lunar Tavern Person: and then shes heardd everythin i says cuz she can hear so much an like im okay we divorce caz im haffin affair a wihh ur daughter and im like hey so li-
The Totally Cool Sorcerer is just like "This fool interrupted me!" So he steals the guys passport and then he burns it. (with magic stupid)
TcS: HA HA HA HA all your passport is brnd!
Drunken....rson: you stole like my passport, the latest wife i orderd in mail! It was amzing she was like totally goooood at oral but she wazt upto par wihh intercorse...
TcS: I feel ya man
They toast and the Totally cool sorcerer buys him another round of 2002 California Central Valley Wine (which was priced at $5.99 at the time.. to make a story longer the guy bought like 5000 bottles, later California sank into the ocean [ it was rumored an angry mob of geese were behind this truly vile act] and so he had the only C.C.V. wine and he sold them in 2016 for $3,000 each {do the math stupid, I’m not.})
Just then K- er... Totally Hot Chick walks in and throws her ring at TcS, but it burns into a piece of paper (more magic, stupid) and shegoes...
ThC: WERE GETTING A DIVORCE BECAUSE YOU ARE A CRAPPY HUSBAND!
TcS Gives a blank stare at her
ThC: There’s a fifteen thousand pound shit outside!
TcS: I havent had sex in 3 years...
ThC: YOU WAS CHEATING ON ME!
TcS: Is it possible that someone else just happened to take a fifteen thousand pound shit?
Drunken Lunar Tavern Person: No idunt thinks s-
JJANG ZAP! The guy explodes! (not from magic, stupid)
ThC: Dammit there’s drunken guy’s head on my shoulder now!
Drunker Lunar Tavern Person: Ah! Im a severed head! Tell my wifes i-
The Totally Hot Chick throws the head at the plastic walls were it explodes into a nova of blood and brains.
TcS: Look what you did, k-
ThC: SHUT IT! Anyone know where i can get a divorce around here?
No one answers because they aren’t in a bar anymore!